my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I need a beard to bite.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
