I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
