the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
