If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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