Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
