Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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