this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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