What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
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She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
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It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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