i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I pour the whiskey from now on
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
