dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
