The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
