I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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