if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
