so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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