don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
