Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I have fence marks all over my body
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
