i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
