so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
