turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
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