Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
