i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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