just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
