My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
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