things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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