Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
