my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Acid is not a monday night drug
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
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