It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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