omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
