porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
