Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
