I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Randomize
