If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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