You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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