you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Randomize
