Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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