The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
