I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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