I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
