The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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