Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
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Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
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She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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