dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
