During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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