let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Randomize
