well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
