My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
