What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Randomize
