if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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