I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
