It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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