I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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