When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
