Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
