As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
