ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
