if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Randomize
