My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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