Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
She needs sedatives and a leash
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
