Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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